More fabric in the gym please

Strewth – put them away sunshine or go and buy yourself a decent set of undercrackers. Minding my own business doing a few one legged flamingoesque squats and there they were in all their glory – a big pair of ugly wrinkled hairy... cojones – courtesy of the ginger fella in front with the oversize shorts. I know what you’re thinking – eugh – ginger!

An absolute workout disaster and even now twelve hours on my eyes are still a bit queasy – I feel like I’ve paid for a man on man big balls peep show or something. They’re not a pretty thing are they? Let’s face it I’ve never yet heard anyone say “Hasn’t he got a nice pair of crinkly bollocks on him?” It’s just not going to happen is it? – No matter who you are, who you bat for – they’re something that we keep neatly tucked away in the Calvins (or 3 for a tenner M&S specials). And we certainly don’t give them a fucking airing on the gym floor .

I’d been having a few dilemmas about sports attire recently before the wrinkly prune moment. It is tricky – there are precious few of us, past a certain age who look at our best in lycra and climacontrol nylon so as a rule of thumb I think it’s best to blend in and not try too hard. I had briefly considered a singlet after spotting one on Mr buff uber fast runner - perfect for the summer I thought and then I looked down at my sweaty tee effortlessly hugging the gut and moobs – No, more is definitely more for the lived in figure.

And ladies – don’t think you’ve escaped – remember more IS really more – Irene Cara was hot in the lycra leotard twenty five years ago but I bet she’s not wearing it now. Well done - you’ve dropped a dress size or two – pat on the back, have a Ryvita, but that outfit with the pink swimsuit thingy over the knobbly knee leggings was three decades ago and there a few dress sizes to go yet. Come on – surely you don’t want to stand out – you must know that everyone over about twenty two looks shit in the gym – fact – so, blend people... blend.

And as for the camel hoof* thing – can’t you do something with that? – or is it just there and we aren’t supposed to look? It’s no better that the ginger bollock man – there are plenty of women in the gym who manage to avoid it so message to the middle aged not so fucking yummy mummy sweaty betty disciples - No – we have no interest in the breakfast look. I hear the sisterhood rising up – you shouldn’t be perving they screech – believe me – we are not bloody perving – the top 1 % in a gym might deserve a second look; the bloke toned like a mahogany table and the no arse green tea lettuce girl in the crop top perhaps but they know it and this is not California so we do a very British thing and ignore them - Ha - they can't stand it.

We, the other 99%, we love it and we know that rather than perving lustfully we are just kind of hoping that no-one has noticed us - the cardiac cheeks, hair matted to the forehead, sweat stained back and crusty white rings in the armpits, not to mention around the mouth, is not a look either of us want to share.

So get over it – get a T-shirt on, don’t point that thing at me and I’ll have a word with Ginge.

* ps - I have subsequently been informed it's commonly known as a toe not a hoof but trust me the ones in my gym are hooves!

BelfastBoyRuns