Runners - Don't forget your nipple plasters

Running is such a pure sport. All you need is a pair of trainers and you’re off. Right? I’d love to agree and I’d love to get out of the house in one attempt next time. Take today – all set and ready to go except – I’d forgotten my watch – very key obviously because my pace varies so much that every 8 mile run in the last 2 weeks has been within 2 minutes of the other ones. But I have myself convinced that I can’t run without my watch – logical that the legs and wrist are linked - I mean how far will I run, what speed and how many calories will I burn? I try telling myself that my legs still work and there’s a fair chance that I’ll probably plod along at 9 minute miles, I’ll probably burn around 140 calories per hour and Hyde park is still 4 miles in circumference but oh no Mr Neurotic here needs his watch – last week I actually waited 30 minutes for it to charge before I set off – sad – yes yes I know but I’m happy in my own mind.

If only it was just the watch I’d be ok but then there’s the banana – yep gotta have one of those before I run, preferably 45 minutes before – and if I don’t – panic – another story for another day but pre Vegas half marathon I paid $25 for 3 bananas – seriously you read right twenty five fucking US dollars for 3 banana’s courtesy of the Wynn Hotel, Vegas baby – but oh the blessed relief when me and my bananas were united.

And then there’s the nipple plasters – now come on – you ever had a bleeding nipple? – mighty painful I can tell you so you never leave home without a plaster or two – the fact that when I finish they are nowhere to be seen is neither here nor there but my nipples are still intact as god intended them. And the share price of Mr Elastoplast is going through the roof. I must confess to presently experimenting with another type of nipple care – that being petroleum jelly or good old Vaseline.

Now there’s method in my madness with the old Vaseline because you see it is already on my “don’t leave home without one running list” so if I could double up its use then I’d have one less thing to remember and the hair could grow back round my nipples – bald nipples not a great look on an otherwise beasty torso. So Vaseline you see is to avoid runners arse – sometimes known as golfers arse and very similar to nappy rash. A decent application of vas around the bottom and between the thighs does the job – it’s more the chubby inner thigh problem for me but forget it at your peril and you end up running like John Wayne without his incontinence pants. So must not forget the Vas.

Nearly there, nearly out the door except I haven’t had my anti-histamine and now the sun is shining and the eyes are getting a bit itchy you need these or you finish looking like Ricky Hatton on a bad night. And sunglasses – obviously....silly of me to forget.
Phew that’s that – although it’s often best to have a spare pound or two in case you need a bottle of water on your run – maybe a credit card in case you get lost or stuck – yes I know it’s only eight miles in a circle of 4 but you can never be too careful. And for the same reason don’t for goodness sake forget your phone.... still haven’t worked out why but just in case.

Now the ipod – forget it – it’s dead remember and for your own mental health don’t start getting attached to a particular running top or pair of shorts – yes I have waited for my fave black adidas top to dry but I think I’m over that now – I always make sure it’s dry the night before.

So there you have it – ready to burn up the streets - yesterday I happily ticked everything off and relaxed into my run when after 3 minutes I stopped suddenly – f*ck it – Monday 8am – I’ve got physio at 8.30am! Now that’s another story but I not sure I’m brave enough to share all my neuroses in one day.

Happy running and remember preparation is everything unless your memory is basically pickled – like mine.