My feet are either side of her head with my heels gripped on her shoulders, she grips my shins and somehow lifts my fat backside up against the wall so that I can feel the full benefits of Eka pada salamba sarvagasana**. Yes, inspired by other runners and frustrated by my old man set of injuries I’ve started yoga – if I know you, you can get back on your seat now. I reckon the funniest thing I could do for you is put a webcam in the studio and let you watch me suffer. This former heavyweight (105kgs, 230pounds or 16.5 stone – fat b*stard in any language) hadn’t seen his toes in ten years let alone touch them is now trying to “Om” his way to flexibility and strength. Seriously we do the Om thing – nearly got a fit of the giggles in session one but I quickly reminded myself that I’m supposed to be a grown up. And then a friend of mine says “it’s ok ‘cos there are a bunch of fit women in the classes” – well there might be but I have to say I haven’t noticed them through my struggles and they cannot be overly impressed with fatboy here looking like he is about to internally combust whilst contorting himself into the constipated dog – yes I know it’s supposed to be the downward dog but as I said the webcam would not lie. The teachers are great and do their best to make you feel like you are progressing and try hard not to make you feel like the fat kid at swimming lessons but I’m convinced I’ve seen them suppress a laugh as I wince whilst lifting my leg to a full 30 degrees when it’s supposed to be 90 degrees - they call that one Ardha Chandrasana** - a bit of a killer for the chubby inner thigh – the ultimate chafing cure perhaps.
But yes the instructors are way ahead of the Pilates Android - you know who you are – this ever so serious hasn’t eaten more than a lettuce leaf in one sitting since 1990 kicked me out – yep kicked my sorry ass out of an intermediate pilates class before it started ‘cos I hadn’t had 2 or 3 months experience – I mean it’s fucking Pilates not an expedition to the moon – but oh so serious and oh so dull and I think I’ve vented enough now – but she is a f*ckwit! Ok, ok I’ve let it go – Yoga teachers – you are great – just one thing for the lady from last night – No the guy with a limp did not have his short leg lengthened by an inch in one yoga session – I know you love it and I know there are lots of things to say for yoga but seriously you are an intelligent lady – that just can’t happen and as for the miracle yoga cancer cure – please don’t go there.
So we’re on about lesson five now and I am completely bloody useless but I like it and I may even see the benefits – and I think I can do Vrksasana* although it could be a good decade before I get to Uttanasana* – gotta love the names right? Now don’t go telling people I like it – no good for the macho image – and more importantly don’t tell everyone in the gym either – the classes are full enough – and note to the ladies who lunch – look it’s yoga and it’s supposed to be relaxing so you tiptoeing in like a herd of fucking buffalos fifteen minutes late doesn’t work – go and see Andrea the Android in her precious Pilates class instead ‘cos this yoga thing is for fatboys only.
**A brief guide to some yoga poses: http://www.yogacards.com/yoga_poses.html
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment