Water is not just for ducks or dogs

"Drinking water" - the clue is in the title Petunia, you vacant hideous credit crunched West London trustafarian halfwit. They don’t put fountains in parks and then pipe only toxic water to it in order to poison London’s masses and our 40 million tourists. When you see this heaving great lummox of a sweaty runner deigning to drink direct and cover his heed in Hyde park water then it’s ok for twee little Tristan too. Or maybe you think it's ok for "them" but not us, the £4.50 cafe latte brigade.

What type of man is he going to turn into if he walks around thinking that water fountains are “only for dogs”? What? - you expect a Great Dane to stroll up – raise a paw, push down on the tap and fill a pint glass before retiring to the Serpentine bar with his Cocker Spaniel mates. You fucking dullard – I nearly took your precious little hybrid child into care immediately or had you carted off to North Korea where'd you'd be reunited with the rest of the toxic waste or merely pushed you, Holland park arse over surgically enhanced tit, into the round pond – now that water may not be suitable for Tristy baby – but for you and the water rats – it’s just fine!